Saturday, January 28, 2006

Crazy ramblings of a dysfunctional mind - TCS Med Checkup

Goodness me. When I read this next piece of humour, I couldn't help laugh my lungs out (or whatever the phrase is). All of you "lucky" ones who have been 'placed' in the Indian IT bigwig, TCS, must by now be aware that you have to undergo one medical check-up probably at some uninhabited place in SEEPZ. One of my friends has already had the privelege of taking the test and has provided an absolutely comprehensive account of the entire episode.

You might not know the characters in the tale, (which you can accept as a great piece of fiction, if you so desire) so here is some introduction. All characters mentioned are to-be engineers from a prestigious engineering college from Mumbai and are all hiers to their families' bigshot business houses, yet are trying their hand at other 'lucrative jobs'. The author, you can call him Rish, is a witty but laid back individual having interests in Tennis, food, ... I think the list ends here. Parag, drives to college in a Skoda and plays an important role in the story. Vanja, already having secured an admit to a top US University is least bothered about a job paying him just 2lac per annum and is at the check-up just because he has nothing else to do, I think so! Chiru has decided he is gonna join TCS, so probably must be seriuos about the check-up. Also, he is anyways famous for his stares and cold looks, if you trouble him even just a tad too much. Harshil plays a cameo in the tale, as Rish's Tennis opponent who has just lost 6-3 to him. And, there's Mallika Sherawat doing a guest appearance too. So enjoy this non-fictional (yes!) , humourous and absolute funny first-hand account of the ordeal.

Crazy ramblings of a dysfunctional mind:

This account relives the traumatic experience which we underwent on the 21st wen we went for the TCS medical check up.Its content is
authentic and veracious(mostly.....)though certain liberties may have been taken in terms of interpretation.

We had our medical test on the 21st.Other innocent victims will be tackled on 28th,4th and whatever other dates in hell.Below is the exact account of what could happened to us and cud happen to you on ur med test day.

So on 21st morning ,at around 8:45 parag gandhi calls up and informs u tht there is this med test thingie at 8:30 today at cdc,seepz.So u quickly get ready,curse him,have ur Breakfast,curse him,take the car keys,curse him and leave as soon as u can,still doing full justice to the job of cursing him for informing u so late about something which u,by all accounts,should have known urself.Then wen u re about to turn the car key,u realize u have no clue in hell,where seepz is.So u call him again,take directions,get urself in some crazy,narrow,hidden lanes,uninhabited by man or beast,ask rickshawallahs for further directions,get ur ass stuck in deadends,curse the rickshawallahs and finally reach the damn place a good 70 minutes late.

U enter and inform the receptionist with a suave smile,tht u re here for the tcs medical check up.He doesnt care to look up,passes on a form and asks u for the acceptance letter of tcs.Obviously u dont have it on ur person.he probably curses u under his breath,but takes ur word ,and ushers u in to this small room and hands u a pen,he then thrusts 2 lenghty sheets in front of u.These are the preliminary forms .Their purpose is to discover if u,ur mother,or father,or aunt,or cousin or neighbour,or his cousin happen to be suffering from AIDS,tuberculosis,meningitis,malaria,eye infection,skin infection,hair infection,any bizzare,unheard of STD,fractures,ligament tears,heart attacks,all of it ,any of it.U know,basically gives u this nice,rosy picture of whats in store. Neways,next u enter this main hall where around 4 thousand of us are offered to make ourselves comfortable in about two and a half chairs.Upside,u notice,is tht there is a tv in the room showing pakistan walloping india s bowling "attack".

Neways,u get to the back row where parag,vanja,chiru and the others are gravely discussing some earth shattering issue of national importance.3 minutes into it,u realize that,true to form, they re all talking shit,and none of them really gives a damn about what nonsense the other is saying.So u cheerfully join in giving ur nonsense views on a matter,of which u have absolutely no idea.But a couple of minutes of such senseless talk is enuff to bore even us.So gradually,u remember ure here for a purpose.U look around.Labels proclaiming Opthalmology,Sonography,X ray,ECG,Blood collection,General check up remind u tht enlightening tho it may be,this conv with gandhi and vanja,the main purpose of ur being here is the medical checkup.Sure enuff,there r nurses n docs scurrying around to confirm the above view,if any doubt lingered.then u lean over and ask ur good neighbour tht y dont they start the medical checkup if thts wat we re here for.Ure neighbour is,using all 4 limbs, several fingers,3 languages(and some scrambled gibberish) he manages to say "i dunno either".After tht terrific effort,he gets back to gazing at the pullout pics of mallika sherawat in the latest issue of startdust.
So u wait.
And wait.
Some 13 weeks later,wen u wanna go out to shave this long beard uve developed,there is suddenly some faint activity.Apparently,things have finally begun.One by one names are called out and the lucky ones get to go in for some checkups.

It is in times like these that u realize how many names human beings can have.U hear just about every guju twist to the suffix
"-esh"(nilesh,hiresh,swapnesh.......)being called for his turn and conclude ur turn must now definitely be around the corner.Yet defying all known laws of permutation,combination and imagination there are more (dharmesh,ritesh,prathamesh.........).Yours apparently is the one name they forgot.Finallllly,some bloke calls u to the blood collection centre.Ur mates congratulate u on ur good fortune,give u hi5s and bear hugs.Ur a rejuvenated man as u walk towards the aforementioned unit.

Thts wen ritesh walks out of it with a hideous grimace,clutching his hand as though its been torpedoed.Now,uve taken injections before,its no big deal but all of a sudden,there is an urge to call up ur mom n dad for one last time ,and call up harshil to remind him of ur previous set score one last time(i beat him 6-3.....again).Naah,u shake off the irrational fear and go in n take a seat.Thts wen this kindly looking nurse beams this beatific smile at u and makes small talk about the weather.God,then,is in his heaven n all is well in earth,u conclude.Then she rubs some antiseptic on ur forearm ,injects u and collects 3 test tubes of blood.Its all pretty normal and painless.U conclude tht ritesh is probably a blood relative of parag and hence an awful ham.

One by one the other tests are performed .In our own ways,we all try to go n talk with the chief co-ordinator to expedite
things.i give this crappy excuse about having to attend some brothers wedding which she d probly heard 700 times before,parag creates this awful scene by going n fighting n arguing and then being screamt at n sent back,vanja hems n haws,then dodders,then walks up to the co-ordinators,chews 3 nails n returns without uttering a word,chiru goes up n glares......all to no avail.But gradually,things move on.U get to hear some expected things (1.Opthalmologist:"Ur watch too much tv,ur messin ur eyes".....,2.General Physician:"Ur an overweight slob"....,3.Refreshments Co-ordinator:"No ,u may not have any more helpings"....."yes,they are complementary,but ure not the only one we re feeding,though u may become so if we give u any more helpings"......,4.crappy jokes from vanja) and some unexpected things(1.Vanja cracking a good joke,which pretty much means he s done with his share for 2006....2.Parag:"my neice likes
me"{for the uninformed,parags sis recently delivered a v.cute baby girl}.......3.Parag:" i think....."{an obvious lie}) .but by 2:30.....around 5 odd hours after u had entered ur finally thru.

And thus,we have all served our sentence.No shortcuts taken,jus pure ol grit.Sure we ve greyed a bit and lost some
hair n teeth n memory in the process,n we all limp n use walking aids now but imp thing is we lived to talk bout it.And tht also sums up this crappy account,in case ur still reading.

[PS:No offence intended ppl,was jus really bored and felt like writing a lotta shit....which i did.]

Enjoyed the rhapsody, didn't you? Wonder what it would be like to be there at TCS, if the appetizers were so interesting. Something to ponder about, but I hope the main course would definitely be better. So, until someone comes up with a hands-on account of that, savour this tale.


  1. That was absolutely hilarious!! Too good, Rish.. and thanks for sharing this with us Bagyesh!

  2. Welcome to the blogging community. Nice 1 to read. Also do keep posting. how was the movie Rang de Basanti? Enjoyed?

    -- Vishal

  3. yes vishal, the movie is worth a watch. sharman has done a very good job at comedy. read ninad's blog(link on my blog) for a nice review

  4. Gotta admit, thats really scary man!, i mean even landing on moon must b piece o' cake compared to that. lets request TCS to do check up of some criminals also!

  5. Well, when I had my own med check-up, I found out that it is not bad after all. Rish just over did it. We may as well excuse TCS for the med do.